The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the
illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning
citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal
rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk
the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted, and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay,
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals
scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian
border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them
to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of Evian. They
did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that
they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration
establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on
The Lawrence Welk Show we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating a shortage of
organic broccoli and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for
American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick
Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps
to reassure liberals, a source close to
Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might
put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."